Gridlock; Overcoming Conflict with Charity

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In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman tells us that gridlock is a sign that a spouse isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect the dreams you each have for your lives; hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of our identities, giving us purpose and meaning to our lives. Some of these aspirations may be practical such as building savings; others more profound. These deeper dreams- that tend to be at the core of conflict- remain hidden while smaller, more easily accomplished ones are more recognizable (Gottman, 2015, p. 238)¹.

The key to enriching our marriages is to acknowledge and respect our partner’s deepest hopes and dreams. (Gottman, 2015, p.253)².

Happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams. In fact, one of happy couples’ primary goal in their marriage is to help realize each other’s dreams. “In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about” (Gottman, 2015, pp. 239-240)³.

“One good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden dream is that you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty”

- John Gottman ⁴

Sometimes we push our personal dreams underground because we assume they must not surface to make our relationship work. The feeling that we are not entitled to our dreams is quite common. We might even view theses desires as childish or impractical. However, this doesn’t mean we stop longing for those dreams. When the relationship doesn’t honor the dreams of both partners, conflict inevitably follows. It resurfaces as a gridlocked conflict (Gottman, 2015, p. 244)⁵.

Working on these issues will take time. Some find that when they first begin recognizing and acknowledging their dreams, problems seem to worsen before they improve. Dr. Gottman reminds us to be patient. “Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams is not easy. The very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you’ve both become deeply entrenched in your positions and fear accepting each other’s influence and yielding” (Gottman, 2015, p. 250)⁶.

How do we work on a gridlocked issue?

Explore Your Dream(s) - Choose a gridlocked conflict to work on and write an explanation of your position. Be sure to focus on what your partner needs, wants, and what they’re feeling about the situation instead of blaming or criticizing.
Soothe - Discussing conflicting dreams can be extremely stressful, so pay attention to how you react to the conversation. Let your partner know if you feel signs of stress; the conversation won’t be productive if flooding occurs.
Reach a Temporary Compromise - Establish an initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably. The purpose here is not to solve the conflict, as it may never go away completely. However, couples can try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of great pain. Do this by finding common ground. What areas are nonnegotiable to you? What areas are flexible?

   Say “Thank You” - Look inward to express gratitude for all you have. Let your spouse know how much you appreciate them.

 (Gottman, 2015, pp.250-253 & 259)⁷


 How can we recognize and help realize our partner’s fondest dreams and aspirations? 



Charity

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As humans, it is easier to fall into the trap of resentment than it is for us to exercise charity. This is because one of the challenges we must overcome in life is to rise above the natural man within us. The negative reactions we have are a choice to see in a human way. However, H. Wallace Goddard reminds us that we “can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other” (Goddard, 2009, p. 114)⁹.

So, we have a choice to make in each interaction we have with our spouse. We can choose to see each them the way ordinary men (the natural man) would see them, or we can choose to see them as Christ sees us- worthy of love unconditional.

Every single one of us is a beggar at our Heavenly Father’s feet; no one is exempt from the need of heavenly grace. We are all sinners, and therefore need forgiveness for our sins.

It is my testimony that as we become faithful followers of Jesus Christ we can receive the gift of charity. We can see, not with worldly eyes, but with eternal eyes when we look upon others- especially those within our families.

“Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah”

- 2 Nephi 2:8, The Book of Mormon¹⁰

Resources

1. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 238). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
2. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 253). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
3. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 239-240). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
4. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. ). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
5. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 244). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
6. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 250). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
7. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 250-253 & 259). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
8. McConkie, B. R., Eternal Marriage Student Manual: Preparing for an Eternal Marriage. (2003) p. 19. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, UT. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/charity?lang=eng 
9. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (p. 114). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.
10. The Book of Mormon; The Book of 2 Nephi 2:8. Page 57. Quote retrieved from Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (p. 123). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.