Choosing Love

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Conflict is bound to arise in every marriage, as marriage is a union of two imperfect individuals; bringing with them their own opinions, quirks, and values. Problems, while inevitable, are not enjoyable for either spouse. However, we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that can help ease the pain of confronting them (Gottman, 2015, pp. 137 & 139)¹.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman lists some keys to managing conflict between spouses:


The Keys to Managing Conflict

·       Negative emotions are important- Even though it is hard to listen to their negative feelings, remember the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”

·       No one is Right-  There is only two subjective realities in any marital conflict.

·       Acceptance is crucial-  When you let your spouse know that all their emotions are okay to have, you are communicating to them that they are acceptable even when sad, angry or anxious.

·       Focus on fondness and admiration-  a substantial fondness-and-admiration system is integral to happy marriages.

Whatever issue they are discussing, happily married couples send a message to their spouse that they are loved, accepted, and respected (pp. 157-158)².

The Fifth Principle

·      Soften your start-up- begin your start-up without criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling. Gottman adds that “taking some responsibility for the problem is a very important part of softened start-up” (p. 164)³.

·       Learn to make and receive repair attempts-  End discussions that get off on the wrong foot if you have to. Make repair attempts known (pp. 172-173)⁴.

·       Soothe yourself and each other-  Take a break; meditate; think of a tranquil place. Help each other calm down by giving a massage or guiding each other through meditation.

·     Compromise-  Compromise is the only way to solve problems in a marriage. Compromising is about being open to considering each other’s position and searching for ways to accommodate one another (p. 184)⁵.

·      Process any grievances so that they don’t linger-  When conflict arises, it is common to revisit past hurt. Processing these emotional injuries is key to dealing with conflict in a productive way (p. 188)⁶.

Gottman states that the fifth principle is essentially having good manners and treating your spouse with the same respect you would guests. I don’t know about you, but I find that I get caught up on the last part of the fifth principle. When conflict arises, my mind takes me back to all the past misdeeds of the person with whom I have an issue. It is so easy to hold a grudge, but I know that in order to progress toward a happy marriage, forgiveness of past mistakes and hurt feelings is absolutely necessary (pp. 159 & 161)⁷.

Elder Lynn G. Robbins gives a humorous analogy between the all too common process of developing a grudge and a simple recipe:

Lynn G. Robbins’ Recipe for Disaster

o   Put tempers on medium heat

o   Stir in a few choice words and bring to a boil

o   Continue stirring until thick

o   Cool off 

o   Let feelings chill for several days and serve cold

o   Lots of leftovers

(Robbins, 1998, para. 2)⁸

“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” - James E. Faust⁹. 

In addition to his recipe to disaster, Lynn G. Robbins reminds us that a part of the adversary’s strategy is to dissociate anger from agency by making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we do not or cannot have control over. Phrases such as, “I lost my temper” or “He made me mad” proves this disconnect between our agency and anger. It implies that we are not responsible for, or in control of, the negative emotions we feel. The fact remains, that here is no force involved in us feeling the way we do. “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (Robbins, 1998, para. 3)¹⁰.
Elder Faust emphasizes the need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. To do so requires humility but when we turn to our Heavenly Father, He will help us. “Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts…” (Faust, 2007, para. 22)¹¹.

The Power of Forgiveness

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References

1. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. pp. 137 & 139. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
2. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. pp. 157-158. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
3. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 164. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
4. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. pp. 172-173. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
5. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 184. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
6. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 188. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
7. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. pp. 159 & 161. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
8. Robbins, L.G. (1998). Agency and Anger. Ensign. p. 80, paragraph 2.
9. Faust, J. E. (2007). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Paragraph 17. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Annual General Conference; Saturday Morning Session. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng
10. Robbins, L.G. (1998). Agency and Anger. Ensign. p. 80, paragraph 3.
11. Faust, J. E. (2007). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Paragraph 22. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Annual General Conference; Saturday Morning Session. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng