Full Fidelity

Sexual intimacy is a beautiful act between spouses. So why is it a source of so many problems? People still hold mistaken ideas about sex and fidelity. Some believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. Perhaps this view was fostered in a home that was so afraid of the consequences of breaking the law of chastity, that parents only taught the negative aspects of sexuality. 

Others develop attitudes based on incorrect interpretations of biblical verses. In the Bible women are encouraged to “submit” to their husbands (The Holy Bible, KJV, Ephesians 5:22)¹. Brent A. Barlow sates, “Some have erroneously believed that this scripture means women are to submit or yield themselves to their husbands even if they do so unwillingly” (Barlow, 1986, para. 8)².
Again, some are unclear as to what is appropriate sexual behavior and expression. There are two particular problems I would like to discuss: Pornography and Fidelity. A fundamental building block of a stable family unit, and an explicit promise of marriage, is that of sexual exclusivity and fidelity (The State of The Nation Report, p. 144)³. Both pornography and infidelity - including emotional infidelity- are major roadblocks to marital happiness and success.

First let’s make something clear; Our sexuality is a beautiful power given to us from God. 

“It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- Spencer W. Kimball⁴

Research has discovered that individuals who had had an extramarital affair were over three times more likely to have used Internet pornography than individuals who had not had an affair (Stack et al., 2004, pp. 75-78)⁵. 

“While I don’t think you can say the Internet is causing more divorces, it does make it easier to engage in the sorts of behaviors that traditionally lead to divorce.” - J. Lindsey Short, Jr.⁶

With pornography comes the risk of developing harmful attitudes towards sexuality, marriage and familial relationships.

These include:

o   Normalization and desensitization to offensive material

o   Misperceptions of exaggerated sexual activity and overestimating the prevalence of uncommon sexual practices (bestiality, sadomasochistic activity, etc.)

o   Diminished trust in intimate partners

o   Abandoning sexual exclusivity and believing promiscuity is normal behavior

o   Developing cynical attitudes about love

o   Believing superior sexual satisfaction is attainable without affection for one’s partner

o   Believing marriage is sexually confining

o   Believing that raising children and having a family is an unattractive prospect

o   Developing a negative body image (this is especially prevalent in women)

(Zillman, 2000, pp. 41-44)⁷

Pornography stimulates the pleasure center in the brain. But after becoming increasingly desensitized to this stimulation, one requires more to produce the same effect- often increasing the intensity of the materials exposed to. This ultimately leads to acting out images seen in pornography. Essentially, it takes something inherently good - the sexual relationship between men and women, and grossly distorts it; promising unrealistic expectations. 

The accessibility of Internet pornography has increased the number of people who use pornography. Many researchers have suggested that some individuals “may never have had difficulty with sexual compulsivity if it were not for the Internet”⁸.

“Internet pornography is altering the social and sexual landscape. While there is much more to learn about these shifts regarding their impact on marriages and families, the research currently available indicates many negative trends. Unfortunately, these trends are expected to continue for some time unless drastic changes in social norms, public education, parenting approaches, Internet restructuring, and law enforcement occur”⁹. 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/equation.jpg

If you or someone you love is struggling with pornography addiction, or if you would like to learn the facts about pornography and how it harms both the viewers and the actors/actresses, visit Fight The New Drug. #pornographykillslove 

Hunter, H. W., (1994). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign, p. 51.

This leads me to having complete fidelity within the bonds of matrimony. Complete fidelity equates to complete commitment, trust, and respect between spouses. Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations the adversary uses in his plan to destroy families and marriages.

Thoughts and emotions that are focused on someone other than a spouse leads to emotional infidelity. Emotional infidelity weakens the trust between a couple and shatters their peace of mind. It is a slow and silent marriage killer. No, emotional infidelity doesn’t happen suddenly. It happens gradually- even imperceptibly- over time. Kenneth W. Matheson states that this slow graduation makes it “one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing” (Matheson, 2009, p. 113)¹⁰.

What appears to some as harmless teasing or fun can easily lead into dangerous territory. So, if it has the potential to destroy one of the most sacred covenants we can make, is it really harmless? 

We must be ever vigilant in our relationship with our companion and those we surround ourselves with. I know that as we draw closer to Christ, our vision can become clearer as to how we can become more devoted, loving spouses.

Resources

1. The Holy Bible, King James Version. The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Ephesians p. 1486.
2. Barlow, B. A. (1986) They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign para. 8
3. Callan, S., et al. (2006). The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families. p. 144. Retrieved from https://www.centreforsocialjustice.org.uk/core/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/BreakdownB_family_breakdown.pdf 
   
4. President Spencer W. Kimball. (1982) Intimacy in Marriage and The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, p. 311.
5. Stack, S.,Wasserman, I., & Kern, R. (2004). Adult Social Bonds and Use of Internet Pornography. Social Science Quarterly, 85(1), 75-88. These statistics clearly indicate that Internet pornography is associated with activities that ruin sexual exclusivity and fidelity within marriage.
6. Short, J. L., Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. (2002). Is the Internet bad for your marriage? Online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces. Press Release from The Dilenschneider Group, Inc.
7. Zillman, D. (2000). Influence of Unrestrained Access to Erotica on Adolescents' and Young Adults' Dispositions Toward Sexuality. Journal of Adolescent Health, 27, 41-44.
8. Testimony of Jill C. Manning M,S. (2005). Hearing on pornography's impact on marriage & the family. Subcommittee on the constitution, civil rights and property rights Committee on judiciary United States Senate.
9.  Callan, S., et al. (2006) The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families. p. 141. Retrieved from https://www.centreforsocialjustice.org.uk/core/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/BreakdownB_family_breakdown.pdf 
   
10. Matheson, K. W. (2009) Fidelity in Marriage Professor, School of Social Work, Brigham Young University. Ensign, p. 113.