Avoiding Marriage Apocalypse

God created marriage to be a refuge, a safe haven from the world, and a place where families can practice and experiment with gospel living. He also created marriage to be a challenging spiritual obstacle course, designed to humble and refine us (Goddard, 2009, p. 16)¹.

Research has shown that couples who are happily married are healthier and live longer than those who are divorced or unhappily married (Gottman, 2015, p. 6)².

What is the key to a happy, healthy marriage?

First, let’s look at some myths that surround what it takes for a successful, happy marriage.



The Myths

o   Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. Everyone has issues, but they don’t have to interfere with a healthy marriage if we learn to recognize and work on or avoid them in our relationships.

o   Common interests keep you together. This depends on how each spouse pursues these hobbies and activities. If interactions between spouses are positive, then they certainly can strengthen the relationship.

o   You scratch my back and… Neither spouse should keep a running tally of favors or deeds. Marriage is not a competition, nor is it healthy to compare “scores”.

o   Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. Many relationships can survive even though they avoid confrontation. This is just because different couples have different ways of dealing with conflict- no way is necessarily better than the other.

o   Affairs are the root cause of divorce. “In one of the most reliable surveys ever done on divorce… Only 20 to 27 percent of couples said an extramarital affair was even partially to blame.”

o   Men are not biologically “built” for marriage. This comes from the popular notion that affairs cause divorce- and that men are the main perpetrators. Contrary to this belief, with women in the workforce becoming more commonplace, the number of extramarital affairs perpetrated by women has risen dramatically.

o   Men and women are from different planets. While biological differences between the sexes can contribute to problems, they don’t necessarily cause them.

(Gottman, 2015, p. 16-19)³

“Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication—and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts—is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage.”

While communication is an important skill to have, “too often these approaches are considered all that couples need to succeed. And couples who don’t problem-solve ‘well’ are considered doomed to fail.” (Gottman, 2015, p.)⁴.

In an excerpt from the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, we read, “The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 4)⁵.  Happy and successful marriages are built on a deep friendship between couples, resulting in “a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.” (Gottman, 2015 p. 5)⁶ This is called positive sentiment override when our natural inclination is to think of our spouse in a positive way. These positive thoughts and assumptions circulate, feeding into more positivity and producing positive thoughts and feelings within the relationship. (Gottman, 2015, p. 22)⁷. However, once negative sentiment override sneaks in, the same can true as well. Negative thoughts and feelings towards a spouse, will inevitably produce more negative thoughts, feelings and actions within the relationship. This can lead relationships straight into the hands of the Four Horsemen… of the Marriage Apocalypse, that is.


Let me introduce you to them.

The Four Horsemen

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Criticism- A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event, whereas criticism is a global expression of negative feelings about someone’s character or personality.

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Contempt- Contempt comes from the sense of superiority over another. In essence it says, "I do not respect you.".

Defensiveness- Defensiveness is just another way of blaming your partner, by removing any blame from yourself.

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Stonewalling- Stonewalling is when an individual becomes unresponsive and unwilling to communicate.


(Gottman, 2015, p.p. 32-39)⁸



Negative sentiment override can slip into a relationship when over time, irritation, resentment, and anger builds or if there is a betrayal of trust. How can we keep negative sentiment override from happing in our marital relationships? We know that the “key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no other place to find the solution.” In fact, a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine does not exist, because marital happiness is dependent on gospel principles (Goddard, 2009, p. 17)⁹.

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In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard credits charity- the pure love of Christ- as being the way to handle negative situations with spiritual maturity when he said:

[Jesus] was moved by compassion and prepared to serve.

This kind of response does not come easily to humans. In fact, I think it is fully impossible for us-unless we are filled with Jesus. We cannot "love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]" (Matt. 5:44[KJV]) unless we have been changed by Him.

Most of the time we exact an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Yet you can probably think of a time when you have responded to ugliness with graciousness, kindness, love, and compassion. It feels good. We can see Him working through us! We are blessed to have Him at the helm of our lives.

(p.p. 30-31)¹⁰

Knowing that marriage was designed to test and challenge each of us, can give us the advantage of preparation needed to overcome our marital trials. 


I highly recommend the books The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. The principles found in these books are relevant to all relationships, not just in marriage!

References

1.       Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. p. 16. Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.

2.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 6. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

3.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p.p. 16-19. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

4.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 11. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

5.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 4. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

6.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 5. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

7.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p. 22. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

8.       Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. p.p. 32-39. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

9.       Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. p. 17. Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.

10.    Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. p.p. 30-31. Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.