Family of Origin vs. Family of Creation

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Genesis 2:24 it states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (The Holy Bible (KJV), Genesis 2:24).


In this context “cleaving” means becoming attached, devoted, and faithful to our spouse. When a man and a woman are married, they are to rely on each other -not their parents- and become one in purpose. Spouses should turn to each other for council and advice; keeping private matters between them. Leaving our family of origin and cleaving to our family creation is a crucial aspect of a healthy marriage.


Couples need the freedom and autonomy to make their own decisions. Some parents find this easier than others in this area; many wait for their adult children to ask for advice, but others try to inject unsolicited wisdom. The latter are often deeply caring people who want the best for their children, but their behavior communicates a lack of respect and trust in the judgment of their child and his or her spouse. Adult children are no longer unable to make rational decisions; if parenting was done correctly, they should have the tools necessary to lead their own lives- one day guiding children of their own.


There are three principles to consider when it comes to family relationships:

·      First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses.

·      Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents.

·      Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.

(Harper et al., 2005, p. 327)


Holiday traditions and special occasions are a perfect example of how this can cause strife for newly married couples and their extended families. Deciding how and who they will spend the holidays with can be distressing for those who have not given it any forethought. It is imperative that couples establish their own traditions and identity in this regard from the start. It is also extremely important that both sets of in-laws be supportive in this issue. Elder Marvin J. Ashton has stated, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families realize their family role still continues, not in the realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or of imposition, but in love, concern and encouragement” (Harper et al., 2005, p. 327). When parents are supportive of their newly married children by demonstrating love and respect for their decisions, their children and newly formed families will feel a greater sense of familial harmony and unity.

Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. 

v Giving advice

v Criticizing

v Questioning (or guilting) children about the specific reasons they are missing a family event

v Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren

v Trying to control children’s beliefs

v Unclear and indirect communication

(Harper et al., 2005, p. 332)


My husband and I still live with my parents, a decision that while carefully thought upon, comes with plenty of challenges. Many times, we’ve had to step back to recognize if our decisions were being heavily influenced by family members or if we truly were taking control of our life’s course. There are a lot of freedoms we had to give up while with my parents- though we are absolutely grateful for everything they have done for us. There are still rules and guidelines we must abide by; after all, it is their house we are staying in. Oft have I heard that our marriage will take on new life and meaning when we move out and establish our own home- away from the sometimes-conflicting voices of my family. I look forward to that day! 

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Resources

1. The Holy Bible, King James version. The Book of Genesis 2:24. p. 4. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/ot/gen/2?lang=eng
2. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families. In Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., Walton, E., & Dollahite, D. C. (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.