Building an Emotional Bank Account

Turning Toward Each Other


Remember the “Love Maps” from last week’s post? Well, John Gottman says that these daily interactions that bring us closer together are key to creating a strong, lasting friendship. Couples make what Gottman refers to as “bids”. Bids are attempts to gain each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. They can be minor (“Honey, could you please rub my shoulders?”) or significant (“Can you come with me to visit my mother in the hospital?”). Turning toward our partners is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and romance. Our ability to respond to these bids plays a central role in our success and happiness in our relationship (Gottman, 2015, p. 88)¹.

Why do these seemingly small events affect our relationship’s future?

Every time we turn toward each other, we fund something akin to an emotional bank account. We build savings just like in a real bank for marital rainy days and storms. This stored positivity and goodwill keeps us away from negative sentiment override during difficult times. “For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.” (Gottman, 2015, pp. 88-89)². Knowing just how crucial these tiny moments are in building trust and romance in our marriage is the first step in turning toward our spouse.

Just get started, and things will improve by themselves”³

The wonderful thing about turning toward our spouse is that it is relatively easy to accomplish- we don’t have to turn toward our partner in a dramatic way to start seeing benefits- and it these positive interactions create positive feedback, snowballing turning into the greater ability to turn toward one another. However, if you’re like me, many things seem to get in the way of turning toward our partner- or anyone for that matter. And of course, it begins with us. There are two situations many fall into that tend to interfere with turning toward each other and building up trust (p. 90)⁴.

1.       We may not recognize when the other is making a bid because it might sound negative. Then we miss the hidden plea, instead reacting to the perceived negativity.

In this particular situation it is best to focus on the bid, not the delivery. Pause in this moment and search for the bid that may be hiding behind the harsh words (p. 91)⁵.

2.       We may be too engrossed in the internet and digital devices to turn toward one another. This habit-forming distraction interferes with the intimate communication necessary to fuel romance and family life. “This culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention. Sometimes couples unconsciously use devices as self-distraction during marital conflict.” (p. 92)⁶.

The solution for this is acknowledging whether it’s a problem in our relationship and setting rules of etiquette that work for us (pp. 93-94)⁷.

Another great way to turn toward our souse is to recognize when they are turning toward us. Gottman says that happy couples live by the principle of “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” We must remember that we also need to be there for them and try to see the world from their perspective and empathize with what they are feeling.

When our spouse turns toward us at the end of a hard day, there are certain tips to keep in mind:

Show affection

Validate their emotions

Take their side 

Express an “us against the world” attitude

Acknowledge their struggles

Don’t try to solve their problem- just listen

Don’t minimize their feelings

Essentially, we should make it clear that we’re here for them; understanding and respecting their feelings and experience (pp. 103-105)⁸.

“When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.”⁹

Create Shared Meaning


Each couple and family create small units with their own customs, rituals, and stories- a microculture. When we share a sense of meaning, conflict and perpetual problems will be less intense and will less often lead to gridlock. “The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and, in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 262)¹⁰.  The goal of any marriage is to create an atmosphere that encourages each of us to talk open and honestly about our convictions and beliefs.

This comes from creating your own rituals, supporting each other’s role in the relationship, and sharing goals, values and symbols. This unity with our spouse on the most important issues is NOT going to happen overnight! It is an ongoing, lifelong process. “The goal… [is] to have a marriage where you are both open to each other’s most dearly held beliefs.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 276)¹¹. 


Turning Toward God


Our faith in Christ and in His gospel gives us the eternal perspective to navigate through life’s trials and challenges- even those within our marriage. Jesus gives to us gladly when our seemingly miniscule faith invites Him. “If our lives and our faith are centered on Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right." (Goddard, 2009, p. 66)¹². What a comfort it is to know that when we put God first, everything else will fall into place. This faith in Christ will cause a change in our hearts, influencing us to be more patient with the temporary, yet still inconvenient, human characteristics.

In fact, turning away from natural man to the ways of Christ, will change how we respond to our challenges. Judging our partner will be replaced by a softened heart and spirit. “God can turn almost any of our choices into blessings. He has an amazing ability to transform our bad decisions into growth.” (Goddard, 2009, p. 63)¹⁴. This isn’t to say that life will be easy. No, but God will never give us a challenge or trial that we cannot assuredly overcome and grow from. Our Heavenly Father has the power to take our lives- however damaged, broken or dysfunctional- and transform them into spiritual growth and progress; ultimately, eternal joy. 

References

1.  Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 88). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
2. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 88-89). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
3. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 104). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
4. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 90). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
5. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 91). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
6. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 92). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
7. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 93-94). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
8. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 103-105). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
9. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 114). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
10. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 262). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
11. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 276). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
12. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (p. 66). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah. 
13. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (p. 63). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.
14. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. (p. 64). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.