Weathering Storms

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Both John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and H. Wallace Goddard (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage) compare unmet – unreasonable, expectations, and the antagonism that follows, to a cancer eating away at a marriage. The only cure: humble submission. We must surrender the demand that things be done our way. In exchange for sacrificing our will to God, He will bless us with eternal joy. “God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.” (Goddard, 2009, p. 40)¹.

These sacrifices may come in the form of marital storms. You might be familiar with spiritual storms; more often than not, spiritual storms will cause storms within a marriage, because spouses share every detail of their lives together. Marital storms push us and our relationships to the limit, and will try to rip us away from our spouses. 

“[God] will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.”

- John Taylor - ²

When I think of cleaving unto our spouse during the stormy whirlwinds of the world, I think of one particular couple in my own life. I credit them with the conversion of my family, as their fellowship was an anchor in our hearts to the gospel. Their friendship was patient and judgement-free, even when we were rebellious and wild. In 2013, their family suffered great loss- a child- a strong, kind, intelligent, righteous young man was carried into the arms of a loving Heavenly Father. At only sixteen, by mortal standards, his life was just beginning. The odds of making it through this storm still holding onto each other were dim- and they knew it. When asked how they made it through, they said that they faced the statistics head on and decided in that moment they would not give up on their marriage or on each other. Their family was brought closer together through this trial- and I can’t help but feel that God knew that this would be the outcome. Perhaps in this curse of losing a child, the blessing of a united family came about.

It sometimes seems easier to give up or let go. However, when we recognize these storms for what they are- opportunities to grow- we can hold fast to each other… and to the Lord. Heavenly Father has placed these stormy opportunities in our path for our benefit, and He has confidence that we will make it out stronger than before.

“…I think of the allegory of a man who had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He provided no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. So each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived at the site, they were jarringly different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities did not match up. Roofs and walls between the two halves did not connect.” (p.p. 45-46)³.

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As tempting as it is to abandon the mismatched half house our partner brings, we never will match up perfectly with any human being. We must, then, keep in mind that with any partner we choose, there will inevitably come a unique set of troubles- architectural issues, if you will. Even with these flaws we all know one great carpenter that can blend our two incomplete halves together; our loving Savior, Jesus Christ (p. 46)⁴.

C. S. Lewis uses a similar metaphor:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of-throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.⁵

How do we hold fast to our spouses when these storms arise?  

Love Maps

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“…emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 54)⁶.

How can we expect to truly love someone without actually knowing them?

Love maps express a couple’s understanding, and their fondness and admiration of each other. They say, “I care enough about you to know what is going on in your world.”

According to both Goddard and Gottman, unsalvageable relationships are rare. Gottman adds that as long as a couple still has a functioning “fondness and admiration system”, their marriage has the sparks needed to reignite the flames of love. In fact, fondness and admiration, to Gottman, are two of the most crucial principles to happy, long-lasting marriage. Viewing our spouse and our marriage in a positive light is a powerful buffer when marital storms times hit (pp. 68-71)⁷.

We will all face marital storms in our marriages- it is not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. If we apply the principles to our daily interactions with our spouse, we can prepare and fortify or marital relationship for these inevitable storms- making our odds of weathering them together much greater.

Weather The Storm

References

1. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. (p. 40). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.
2. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. (p. 40). Quote Retrieved from Journal of Discourses (1854-1886) Edited by Watt, G. D. et al. 26 vols. Liverpool: Richards F. D., et al., 24:197-98.
3. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. (p.p. 45-46). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.
4. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. (p. 46). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah.
5. Goddard, H.W. PhD. (2009) Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, Eternal Doctrines the Change Relationships. (p. 47). Joymap Publishing; Cedar Hills, Utah. Retrieved from Lewis, C. S., (1960) Mere Christianity p. 174. New York: Macmillan.
6. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 54). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
7. Gottman, J. PhD. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 68-71). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.