Divorce- a Solution or a Setback






Divorce. This small word has become commonplace in America today- and it bears the weight of one’s entire world on those seven letters. Couples in love don’t get married only to be divorced later. Yet, with our sky-high divorce rates it appears just that way (Cherlin, 2009)1.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler, my mother’s when she was a young child, and even my stepfather’s parents were divorced. Every divorce happens for different, yet still very painful, reasons whether it be infidelity, abuse of any kind, complications from addiction, resentment, or a loss of meaningful connection. Perhaps they’ve just 'fallen out of love'- the reasons are endless. Today, between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages are likely to end in divorce2. And before you think "If at first you don't succeed..." the divorce rate for remarriages is even higher! Justified or not, one thing is crystal clear; families are falling apart.

The evidence is in the well-being of the children in America today. Marriage creates an environment that enable children to thrive. Ninety-three studies were published between the 1960s and 1980s. An analysis of these studies “confirmed that children with divorced parents are worse off than those with continuously married parents on measures of academic success (school grades, scores on standardized achievement tests), conduct (behavior problems, aggression), psychological well-being (depression, distress symptoms), self-esteem (positive feelings about oneself, perceptions of self-efficacy), and peer relations (number of close friends, social support from peers), on average.”(Amato, 2005, p. 77)3.

Is my own marriage doomed for divorce?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints emphasizes the importance of marriage and families. We consider it to be at the center of the gospel. We believe that, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)4. One of the many great blessings of the restored gospel is temple marriage- where a man and woman are sealed together “for time and all eternity” (D&C 132:7)5 in the eyes of the Lord. This covenant goes beyond ‘till death do you part’, as it does not end after our mortal life, but extends into life eternal. Despite the wonderous blessing a temple marriage gives, some couples still see their relationship crumble.

I have been married for just over two years to my husband. We have suffered loss, struggled with anger, pride, sorrow and depression, battled with addiction, overcome financial difficulties, and faced numerous health issues… as most couples do. I will painfully admit, I felt like throwing in the towel.

Maybe divorce was the solution? Maybe we just weren't meant to be? Maybe I should do my husband a favor by freeing him from the promise we made?

I see now how selfish my perspective was, evident by the fact that I was the only one who considered divorce as a possible solution. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles so eloquently describes what makes a good marriage when he said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”6 My husband has not given up on me- God has not given up on me. I will not give up on them.

So, to answer the question “Is my own marriage doomed for divorce?” No, to ask that question is to imply that my marriage is pre-destined to fulfill a certain outcome. And I’m just too stubborn to let anyone else dictate my happiness. God has a plan- and the purpose of this plan is that I (and you, too!) "might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:20)7.





"Let us be true to our divine commission, renouncing bitterness and following in our Savior’s footsteps." (Broderick, C., 1987. Liahona, “Questions and Answers”)8.

 My testimony is that marriage is beautiful and messy. It is painful- but those are the growing pains that inevitably come when two imperfect people struggle to make sense of life together. Marriage is a heavenly institution, by which the children of a loving God learn of the ultimate goal in our existence; to return to Him. It is where we learn to love those who differ from us, to make compromises, to practice Christ-like charity, to get up and brush ourselves off when we stumble. It is home.






References



1.        Cherlin, A.J., (2009) The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today. 1st edition. Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

2.        Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R.I., Malone-Colón, L., Wilcox, W.B., (2012). “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent,” The State of Our Unions.

3.        Amato, P.R., (2005) The Future of Children, Vol. 15, No. 2, Marriage and Child Wellbeing (pp. 75-96) Princeton University.

4.        This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah. © 1995, 2008 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. English approval: 5/08. Translation approval: 5/08. Translation of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Language. 35602_000

5.        Doctrine and Covenants Section 132: 7 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, Utah. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng

6.        Oaks, D.H., (2007) “Divorce”. 177th Annual General Conference. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng

7.        Broderick, C., (1987). Liahona, Questions and Answers.

8.        Video "My Experience with divorce" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o30eOejkLk&t=





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